I’m no fashionista, but every time I watch the Academy Awards I can’t help but critique what everyone’s wearing. John has graciously allowed me to indulge my inner fashion editor by posting on his blog, so here goes:

Overall, the fashions were disappointing. There were a couple of stunning gowns, but for the most part, everyone played it safe with nice-but-uninspiring dresses in red or neutrals. Glitter was also big, with celebrities like Tina Fey and Viola Davis decked out in head-to-toe gold and silver. But the combination of the moment, apparently, is black over dark blue: Kate Winslet, Reese Witherspoon, Queen Latifah, and Marion Cotiliard (of La Vie en Rose) all sported it.

In terms of structure, elaborate draping (Evan Rachel Wood, Natalie Portman, Amy Adams) was hot, as were deconstructed looks like Nicole Kidman’s feathery neckline , Taraji Henson’s uneven layers, and Marion Cotillard’s shaggy tulle. A more distressing trend was the return of the mermaid gown, a style that can make even a healthy woman like Beyonce look broad in the beam. Mermaid gowns don’t work well for awards shows for another reason: most often, you’re shown from the waist up, causing viewers to miss an important element of your gown.

Best of the bunch:

Anne Hathaway

Anne Hathaway

Much as I dislike her as an actress, I have to admit the woman has smashing taste in gowns. Here, she manages to look both ethereal and glamorous. The dress sparkles, but the white shade keeps it from overwhelming with glitz. This is Oscar glamour at its best.

Ryoko Hirosue

I love everything about this “Departures” actress’s look, from the way the folds ripple across her bodice like flowing water, to her exquisite diamond collar, to her subdued makeup.

Taraji Henson

Though they appear a bit mummyish in a still photo, on screen these layers added oomph and heft to Henson’s gown. Their contrasting cuts brought texture to what might have been just another boring ecru gown. The only misstep here is the necklace: it’s pretty, but clashes with the deconstructed look of the dress.

Meryl Streep

Just contrast this image with Streep clowning around in overalls in Mamma Mia to get an idea of her range. The eminence grise (did anyone not name-check her last night?) takes command in a gown fit for a prima donna: the drapey neckline says Renaissance, while the gunmetal gray is straight off the runways. Both accentuate her shapely, peach-toned shoulders.

. . . And the worst

Miley Cyrus

Was she inspired by a Christmas tree? I can’t think of any other explanation for the odd, overlapping tiers of her skirt. But it’s the twee little bow on the belt that annoys me the most.

Amanda Seyfried

The spaghetti straps, foldover on the neckline, and big honkin’ bow make this resemble a bad bridesmaid’s dress circa 1995. The tomato red color overpowers Seyfried’s delicate beauty, too–she’d be much better off in a pale blue or green.

Jessica Biel

In this ensemble, Biel looks as though she took a shower, wrapped a towel around herself, and then forgot to change into her gown.

Beyonce

The flowers on your dress should never be larger than your head.

Heidi Klum

You know it’s a bad dress when even a supermodel can’t make it look good. This looks as though she ran out of the studio while the fashion students were still trying to pin the fabric on her.